Clips clip Rockets

Paul and the Clippers flexed their muscles

Houston Rockets at Los Angeles Clippers, November 4, 2013.

“Tempers clash in an early-season matchup,” the promo announcer intones, and this is before the game has even started…

Studio host Matt Winer says Doc Rivers is either the best or second-best coach in the NBA, with Popovich in San Antonio. Is Erik Spoelstra biting his lip?

J. J. Redick opens the game with two jumpers, then another one a minute later. A Dukie in the starting lineup is enough to not root for the Clippers…

Blake Griffin is averaging 21 and 11, so why does he still look like he’s underachieving? The Clips are the number-one scoring team in the NBA…

James Harden launches an airball, Dwight Howard misses a dunk, and after Redick drives (!) for a layup, the Rockets are down 15-6…

Howard has two fouls with less than six minutes gone…

Chandler Parsons, fresh from the tanning salon, has a couple of nice driving layups, but the Clips are rolling. Chris Paul has nine assists in ten minutes…

Howard returns and immediately picks up his third. The Clips lead 42-25 at the quarter…

Omri Casspi (not to be confused with teammate Omer Asik) gives Houston a nice lift off the bench with 12 points, and Greg Smith has 8 points and 6 boards in the second quarter (his first points of the season). The Clippers’ defense keeps everyone in the game…

DeAndre Jordan sinks the first of 2 FT and looks around for more people to fist-bump after he finds he has only four teammates. He makes the second, too. The Clips lead 78-66 at the half, putting up a team record for first-half points. Redick has 19…

Second half is more of the same. The Clippers surge out to 15 or 20 points ahead, the Rockets threaten to threaten. Howard looks like the same old fun-loving guy. James Harden’s defense on Redick, as the color guy points out, is “non-existent.” Chris Paul does a lot of dribbling. On one possession he makes at least a dozen fakes. The Clippers return to Lob City, and after one particularly impossible throw-down by Griffin on a Paul lob, they all retire to the bench, leaving Jamal Crawford to mop up with a series of hoists somewhere over the rainbow. Final is 137-118. The Clippers still lead the NBA in scoring. 

Warriors rule kings

Sacramento Kings at Golden State Warriors, Nov. 2, 2013. “A new chapter in this epic rivalry…the excitement is back in Sacramento!” screams the pregame promo. Except someone forgot to tell the players. DeMarcus Cousins, for one, is about as excited as an undertaker…

Greg Napear on play-by-play and Jerry Reynolds, color man and former Kings coach, welcome us to Arco Arena. There’s a pregame profile of Kings guard Isaiah Thomas, who at least pronounces his first name correctly, unlike the more famous Isiah (I-SIGH-A, shouldn’t it be?) Thomas, the Pistons imp of the perverse. Jerry calls Isaiah, a U. of Washington product, “The Hustling Husky,” which sounds like a sled dog in the Iditarod run…

Thomas is a live wire, but Santa Claus himself couldn’t pep up this bunch…

John Salmons starts for the Kings. We look forward to his matchups later this season with Brandon Bass…

The game starts with two baskets by Andrew Bogut—righty hook then lefty hook, both over Cousins. In between, Cousins clangs a 20-footer…

“The Kings’ offense is holding the Kings to 14 points in the first quarter,” Greg quips. That’s before Ben McLemore throws in a half-courter at the buzzer. 27-17 Warriors at quarter’s end…

The camera shows Kings’ owner Vavek Ranadive (accent grave over the “e”) flashing the shaka sign, all smiles in spite of the prospect of a long, long season ahead…

2^nd quarter. Cousins collects two idiot fouls within 12 seconds of one another, hacking Bogut on one of them 20 feet from the hoop. He goes out, and seconds later Bogut gets a mismatch with a Kings guard down low. “He’s got a mouse in the house,” Jerry says. Bogut squints at the basket from the line, looking more than ever like he’s taking an excruciating dump…

Rookie coach Michael Malone keeps a stiff upper lip as his Kings fall behind by 20. The Kings shoot two delay-of-game penalties. “This could turn out to be their best offensive weapon,” Jerry remarks…

Luc Mbah a Moute (anagram: O! Ambulate much?) comes in for a spell, unable to stem the tide. 56-36 at half…

3^rd quarter. The red-hot Kings score eight straight out of the gate. Whoops—Klay Thompson hits back-to-back 3s. Bogut fires up after semi-tussle with Cousins. He slams an alley-oop from Iguodala, blocks a shot and rips a rebound, rapid-fire. When Curry buries a 3 to put the Warriors up 27, Malone pulls his starters, halfway through the quarter…

Ground Chuck Hayes stokes the dreams of couch potatoes everywhere…

Travis Outlaw (anagram: Larva outwits) slams a rebound, failing to excite his teammates on the bench, who look like members of a chain gang…

The Warriors called for another delay of game. Jerry and Greg riff about the Warriors holding a practice session to cover not slapping the ball when it comes through the basket…

Curry heats up, and our two announcers decide he is a bargain at $10 million for four years. He has five 3-pointers now, the same as the Kings, who are 5 for 25…

There’s a Jimmer Fredette sighting at 3:07 left in the game. He waits a full 30 seconds before hoisting one…

Final: Warriors 98, Kings 87. As the players file out, we don’t see anybody kissing Cousins. 

Bob, Bob, Bobbin' along

What's the best first name to predict NBA stardom?

Of the Top 50 NBA Players of All Time, there are two Nates (Archibald and Thurmond), two Johns (Havlicek and Stockton), and two Jerrys (West and Lucas). There are three Daves (Cowens, Debusschere and Robinson), and three Bobs (Cousy, Pettit and Parish).

There are four Bills: (Billy) Cunningham, Russell, Sharman and Walton.

Add Dave Bing and David West to the Daves, and you've got a pretty good starting five. But sorry, not as good as the Bobs: Add McAdoo and Lanier, and bring Bob Love off the bench.

The Bobs have it.

All-time alphabetical team

Kids, if you’ve got NBA immortality in your crosshairs, you need to pay attention to one big determining factor—besides practice.
No, it’s not what part of the country you play in, how tall you are or the coaching you receive. All these are relevant, granted, but by far the most important consideration is…what letter your last name starts with.

If your last name begins with Q, V, X, Y, or Z, forget it. The only remotely great players saddled with any of these initials had them in their FIRST names—Xavier McDaniel and Zelmo Beatty.

You’re not much better-off with F, K, N, or U. Only one player with each of those initials makes the “great” list—Walt Frazier, Bernard King, Steve Nash, Wes Unseld. As for L, there were Bob Lanier and Jerry Lucas, but we’re subtracting one for Bill Laimbeer, bringing the L total down to one, also. We could give them Maurice Lucas, who was marginally great, out of sympathy.

The letters I and O haven’t been very auspicious. There are Allen Iverson and Dan Issel—Issel not making the NBA’s All-Time 50 Greatest list is a grave injustice—for the I’s, and for the O’s, Hakeem and Shaq.

Not much better are E or T. We count Julius Erving, Patrick Ewing and Alex English for the E’s, and David Thompson, Isiah Thomas and Nate Thurmond for the T’s.

A and S are only a bit better: Paul Arizin, Nate Archibald, Abdul-Jabbar and Ray Allen for the A team; and John Stockton, Bill Sharman, Dolph Schayes and Jerry Sloan for the S’s. But Allen and Sloan are just borderline.

C, D, P, and R claim five players each, by our reckoning: Cousy, Chamberlain, Cowens, Billy Cunningham and Tom Chambers for the C section (even though the last two are iffy, they make it for being two of the greatest white leapers ever); Duncan, Dantley, Debusschere, Drexler and Bobby Dandridge (a forgotten great) for the D’s; Pettit, Pippen, Payton, Parish and Geoff Petrie (one of the NBA’s all-time great athletes) for the P shooters; and Russell, Willis Reed, David Robinson, Guy Rodgers and the Big O for the R’s (which ought to get bonus points for having two of the all-time top five, some would argue).

G, H and J are distinguished enough. In the G’s: Gervin and Goodrich (both double-G’s), Artis Gilmore, Hal Greer, Richie Guerin and Kevin Garnett. H has Elvin Hayes (he could also be claimed by E, as that was his nickname—the Big E), Havlicek, Heinsohn, Connie Hawkins, Cliff Hagan and Spencer Haywood. J is the most distinguished of the group, with Jordan, Magic and Lebron, not to mention Sam Jones, Marques Johnson and Dennis Johnson. Johnson is the best name, for sure, to be born with in our system.

The B team takes a backseat to nobody: Bird, Barkley, Baylor, Barry, Bing, Bryant, Walt Bellamy. Five are on the All-Time 50 and Kobe is certain to be on the next edition, and perhaps at the top. W is the equal of B, in numbers and talent: West, Walton, Wilkens and Wilkins, Wade, Worthy and Westphal (four on the All-Time 50, with Dominique a mysterious omission, to many).

The all-time best letter? M. You’ve got Maravich, the Malones (Karl and Moses), McGrady, McHale, McAdoo, Calvin Murphy, Earl the Pearl, Reggie Miller, George McGinnis and Sidney Moncrief. That’s 11 great players, four more than the runners-up. We’re talking numbers here, not overall quality. That’s another discussion.

Bulls vs. Knicks rematch, three days after Easter

Knicks are 11-3 under Mike Woodson…Bulls are sans their MVP again, hoping that a Rose by any other name will be as sweet…
Knicks are oh for six to start with three turnovers, and go down 8-0…’Melo scores seven points in a row and Knicks take the lead…The Knicks score on 10 straight possessions…
Some sloppy play on both sides, and Van Gundy says: “Kids, this is what not to do on a fast break”…Carmelo has 13 in the quarter.
Second Q: Mike Tirico asks Van Gundy if Coach Tom Thibodeau lost his voice when he was his assistant, and VG says that he lost his voice at birth…Knicks’ offense stalls with starters out, they go down 9…Steve Novak can’t buy one from 3—he’s ohfer 9 in last two games…Van G proposes a Basketball Week, when everybody concentrates on b-ball. We just had that in March, but in the NBA VG wants one fewer timeout per quarter (how about six or eight fewer per half in the college tourn?) and Tirico asks him how will the network recoup the ad revenue. VG says sorry, that’s not his sphere of interest, he just thinks up the ideas. Me, too…Part of Bball Week will be the elimination, VG says, of the “power-hungry T-shirt throwers”…
Baron Davis bricks a couple and the Knicks are down 10 at the half…They’re struggling to find offensive help for Melo and getting killed on the boards…
Third Q: Van Gundy and Tirico have a long discussion about Amare Stoudemire and whether he’d be willing to come off the bench if it were best for the team…Everybody says they just want to win but how many actually mean it, in other words…

Rip Hamilton heats up and the Bulls go up by 12 after the Knicks cut it to 5…Van G decries all the “soft” fouls; “Whack somebody!” he implores…Or at least bite them on the leg…
Van Gundy: “If Kyle Korver blocks your shot you should go to some sort of penalty box”…A minute later Korver blocks another shot (as the shooter is coming down) and Van G crows, “You can’t take it in there against Kyle Korver!”
The Knicks appear to concede defeat and sure enough they get it. Chandler and Shumpert are the only guys playing as the game winds down…The Knicks apparently saving themselves for their match with Milwaukee tomorrow, a battle for 8th in the East.

Clippers vs. Grizzlies, April 9, 2012

The two teams are fighting for 4th place in the West...Is there an announcer left anywhere who still uses the word passing? You say ball movement, I say have a bowel movement...Z-Bo snares a board within two seconds of coming in, and then another the next time downcourt...Joey "Uncle Festus" Crawford Ts up Chris Paul. Since he's yapping all the time, why now?...Z-Bo backs in on Blake Griffin and steps back for a bucket and a foul...

Second quarter: Gilbert Arenas takes all of 10 seconds to get up his first shot...Marc Gasol (anagram: crams goal) executes a gorgeous pirouette and step-back on shot-blocking impresario DeAndre Jordan...

Second half: Gasol gets hammered while holding the ball and gets called for offensive fall, the worst call I've seen this year...Scatter-shot offense devised (?) by Coach Vinnie del Negro puts the Clips in a 15-point hole they can't dig themselves out of, although they cut it to 4 in the 4th...The announcers caution over and over not to get Chris Paul mad. He got mad, but Grizzlies survived it.

Notes: Announcers say Griffin is a 7-footer. Is this right? He looks 6-9 or -10. He has no outside game but is good for at least one startling dunk a game...Z-Bo has 5 straight double-doubles off the bench...The Griz could be a contender--they are 10-deep with two All-Stars (Z-Bo and Arenas) coming off the bench...Is O. J. Mayo pissed at being a sub, or does he look like that always now?...Maurice Speights is a nice-looking player, and a crowd fave...Good win for the Griz, as the Clippers had won 9 of 10. They are a half-game out of 4th now.

Bulls vs. Knicks, Easter Sunday 2012

Carlos Boozer a first-team All-Groaner Team, just behind Kobe Bryant and Dwayne Wade in the voting...Tom Thibodeau looks like a guy waiting for a bus...Jeff Van Gundy coins a word: sideline interviewer Doris Burke is "indefatigueable..."

Knicks jump out to 26-6 lead...Chandler goes to bench at 2:13 of first quarter, gripping one of his tattoos...Boozer makes a layup, gets fouled, and Derek Rose claps on the bench while looking as always like he's thinking about what's for dinner...Omer Asik (anagram: more saki!) blocked 19 shots in a game in Turkey, Mike Breen informs us...Knicks may be Lin-less but aren't listless--the division is up for grabs!

Van Gundy decries "the state of sports journalism" in regard to the controversy swirling around his bro Stan in Orlando.

Baron Davis (anagram: Bravado? Sin!)passes up a wide-open five-footer, passes the ball, gets it back and goes one-on-one for a flailing fallaway, gets bailed out by a foul, but misses both FTs...A minute later Davis launches a 28-foot airball, and Bulls come down and get a 3-pointer the hard way. They're back in the game...

At the half Jon Barry points out that the Bulls are thankful on Easter for J. R. Smith, who's "just chucking away" (1 for 7 from the field, mostly ghastly 3-pointers.)

Second half: Joakim Noah puts up a patented grotesque jumper -- has no one ever worked on Noah's arc?...Rose, heating up, cuts lead to 2 but then the Knicks go back up by 5 on a 3-pointer by---J. R. Smith, of course...How much time does Coach Mike Woodson work pregame on manicuring his beard?...J. R. Smith (no anagrams) goes one-on-one and forces another dreadful fallaway, which inspires Carmelo Anthony to do the same next time down...The Bulls cut it to 1...

Breen and Van Gundy engage in a lengthy and spirited debate over Melo's shot selection as Bulls take the lead...Rose 14 points in third quarter...

4th quarter: Knicks down 5, get a steal but Davis lobs another airball, Smith clanks a 3 then passes the next time down to Iman Shumpert, who buries one...Bulls by 1...Smith goes 1 on 1, gets stuck in midair and has his shot blocked...

Smith again--clank! 3 for 15...Boozer counters with an airball...Shumpert clanks a 3-pointer, and Rose converts a 4-point play to seal it, probably (Bulls up by 9 with five to go...

Woodson starts to yank Smith, but he cans a 3 (3 for 16) and Woodson changes his mind...Smith then misses another 3...Chandler inexplicably fouls Lual Deng 32 feet from hoop with 34 seconds left, but Deng (Lual Deng anagram: aged null) misses both FTs...Knicks down 3, Novak comes in, Knicks run play for him and his 3 goes halfway down and spins out...But Rose misses 2 more FTs and Melo comes down and cans tying 3 (degree of difficulty 10.0)...Rose airballs at the buzzer.

Overtime: Noah finally stirs up a brouhaha--has to go to OT to do so...Smith nails back-to-back jumpers, Rose does the same...Novak and Shumpert try ill-advised 3s...Chandler plays volleyball on three offensive rebounds in a row, giving Knicks life...Melo buries another 3 (degree of difficulty 11.0) to give Knicks the lead, and Rose, harried by Iman Shumpert (anagram: inputs hammer) as he has been all game, misses runner at the horn. Knicks win!!

The day's heroes are Carmelo Anthony (43 points) and Iman Shumpert (anagram: Triumphs! Amen!)